Today has been a beautiful day....the sun has been hot and gorgeous!! The sky is blue as it could possibly be and no clouds. Fun with kids and then the rest.......
Over the last 22 years of marriage, I have learned a lot about conflict resolution. Not just in my marriage, but with others too. Some of the lessons have resulted in great friendships and some of them I am still waiting to see how it all turns out.
One thing I have learned though is that family relationships are super complicated and are complex not only for you, but for your spouse as well especially when the conflict involves in-laws. (Since my mom is probably reading this I need to just clarify that Bryce isn't having a conflict with her....just my musings). :)
Conflicts happen all the time in my household because Bryce and I are strong-minded, passionate individuals who don't give ground easily and want the chance to express ourselves fully. We have learned how to manage our conflicts better though over the 26 years we've been together. Thank goodness!!!!
I know there are lots of married couples who don't really argue or disagree or have conflict, but we do and I am thankful. "Better out than in" is my motto. I am glad we talk through things and then come to resolution before we move on.
There are so many ideas on conflict resolution, but some of my favourites are:
- Honest Communication - it is so important to be willing to own our feelings, emotions, thoughts and attitudes. Often in our early years both of us would just let things that bothered us slide, but that created resentment and irritation. So much better to say "What you just said hurt my feelings" or "I am feeing really angry about this right now" or "I don't like it when you speak like that to me" or "I am feeling so irritated right now that I just can't talk and need some space". It's concrete, not vague, and allows further discussion to occur. We have found this to be HUGE in our relationship.
- Fear - I used to be afraid of conflict in our marriage. Afraid that we would divorce, afraid that we weren't good enough as a couple, afraid that we were failing the marriage game, afraid that others would know that we weren't always 100% thrilled with each other. I have learned that that fear was holding us back from actually resolving things or led to dishonest communication. Since I have realised that it's ok to fight (sometimes loudly) as long as you reach a good resolution, apologise and ask for forgiveness for things said and commit again to honest communication and care. Such a relief!!
- To recognise that often conflict is about things we're passionate about and to not ignore that, but instead explore that. Also, conflict may be an indicater that we're drifting apart a bit and we need to stop and take a breath together and renew our friendship and have some fun. Sometimes life gets too stressful and not very fun and it's easy to take it out on one another. Again honest communication plays a huge part here.
Nothing new I am sure, but some of my thoughts on this touchy subject. Don't be afraid of a good hearty discussion is my thought. Often the best in your relationships come out after you've resolved them and learned about each other whether it's a friend or spouse.
Till next time.
